Leadership is Mental

Think better. Lead better.

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Dear Reader

You’ve been stirring your tea wrong all this time

There’s a small, private tragedy happening in office kitchens everywhere.

A leader, alone with their thoughts, picks up a spoon and starts stirring their tea in circles like they’re summoning the demi-god of energy-by-caffeine.

Round and round. Faster. More vigorous. The classic move of someone who believes effort is the same thing as effectiveness.

And yet… the sugar and milk stay unbothered.

Because here's what nobody told you at school, in your MBA, or in that “High Performance Habits of Unicorn CEOs” podcast episode:

Scientifically, stirring in circles doesn’t actually mix things properly.

Not compared to left-right, up-down. Creating turbulence. Breaking up the layers. Actually shaking up the liquid.

Circles feel like progress. Turbulence creates actual change.

And leadership is basically a lifetime subscription to confusing those two.

The old rules: comforting, familiar, completely unhelpful

Most senior leaders are operating under a set of internal rules that sound sensible, responsible, and morally upright. Let's call them "The Circles."

They also quietly ruin your week.

They go something like this:

• If I work harder, I’ll be successful.
• If I’m involved in everything, there’ll be fewer mistakes.
• If I prepare and over-prepare, my presentation will go well.
• If I finish admin first, then I’ll have time for strategy.

All classic. All deeply relatable. All about as accurate as thinking your printer will work because you “really need it to.”

Here are a few more greatest hits I see leaders carrying around like emotional carry-on luggage:

Productivity rules (aka: the cult of busyness)

• If I clear my inbox, I’ll feel in control.
• If I respond immediately, people will respect me.
• If I keep all plates spinning, nothing breaks.

(Narrator: everything breaks. Including you.)

Influence rules (aka: the quiet fear of being disliked)

• If I soften my message, it’ll land better.
• If I give people more context, they’ll argue less.
• If I keep everyone happy, we’ll move faster.

Lovely fantasy. Sadly, consensus-seeking is often just conflict avoidance.

Communication rules (aka: the “surely THIS email will do it” delusion)

• If I say it one more time, they’ll finally get it.
• If I attend the meeting, alignment will magically happen.
• If I have the last word, I’ll prevent confusion.

Yes. And if you clap loudly enough, the Wi-Fi improves.

Leading teams rules (aka: control wearing a care mask)

• If I check in constantly, they’ll deliver.
• If I fix it myself, it’ll be faster.
• If I shield them from pressure, they’ll perform.

Sometimes shielding is just robbing people of the chance to become competent. I know, I said it. What are you going to do, unsubscribe? Pah, you love these emails.

Life-work balance rules (aka: martyrdom with a calendar invite)

• If I sacrifice now, I’ll rest later.
• If I push through this quarter, next quarter will be calmer.
• If I’m tired, it means I’m doing it right.

No. It means your nervous system is filing a formal complaint.

And let’s be honest, these rules don’t just sit in your head. They run your diary. They dictate how you lead. They shape your standards. They also quietly train everyone around you to depend on you in ways that keep you trapped. And, the killer: trains them to do the same.

No. No. No. Please no.

Please stop stirring in circles.

What we do in my exec coaching programme: we flip the stirring pattern

This is the moment in the film where the protagonist realises the monster isn’t outside the house.

It’s the person inside the house they've been trusting all along. Very M. Night Shyamalan.

The work I do with clients is not “try harder” or “be more disciplined” or “wake up at 5am and run into the sea”.

It’s flipping the internal assumptions that keep you spinning.

Instead of “How do I do more?” we ask: What if I can get better, faster results by is in doing less?

Instead of “How do I prevent mistakes?” we ask: What if mistakes are the tuition fee for building competent adults on your team? And how might that actually be ok?

Instead of “How do I control the outcome?” we ask: What if the outcome improves when I stop gripping it like a stress ball?

Instead of “How do I earn rest?” we ask: What if rest is the requirement for strategic thinking, not the reward for suffering?

This is about going back to first principles, cause and effect.

A leadership equation for the chronically over-involved

Here’s the unscientific science of it:

Impact =

(Quality of decisions × Speed of decisions)

÷ (Noise + People-pleasing + Perfectionism + Over-working)

If you want more impact, you can either increase the numerator (good luck doing that while fried), or reduce the denominator (much easier, much quicker, wildly uncomfortable for about 72 hours).

Most leaders keep trying to increase the numerator by adding hours.

Which is like trying to fix your Wi-Fi by shouting at your router. FYI: Doesn't work. Ask me how I know.

The real anti-circles that change everything

Here are some of the left-right up-down anti-circles that tend to upset leaders in exactly the right way:

• Less involvement can create fewer mistakes (because your team learns to think).
• Less preparation can create stronger delivery (because you’re present, not performing).
• Less availability can create more respect (because your time signals value).
• Less admin can create better strategy (because strategy is not what you do after emails, it’s what you protect time for).
• Less emotional management of others can create more stability (because adults regulate themselves when you stop doing it for them).

This isn’t “do less and manifest success”.

This is “stop doing the work that steals your leverage”.

The point

Most leaders aren’t stuck because they’re lazy or unmotivated.

They’re stuck because they’ve been taught the wrong rules:

Stirring in circles looks normal. We all do it. Standing in the office kitchen stirring round and round, talking about the weather.

It also leaves the potential of the sugar and the milk deeply under-utilised.

This is why having someone sharp (me) in your corner matters.

Not for pep talks.

For interruption.

To catch you mid-stir and ask: “Is this working, or just moving?”

To help you flip the rule underneath it, and give you a framework so it sticks when your week is on fire.

So next time you find yourself adding hours, adding meetings, adding detail, adding “one more meeting”… pause.

Put the spoon down for a second.

And ask: what happens if I stop stirring in circles and create some left-right, up-down turbulence instead?

And flip some of those beliefs that go round and round in your head.

Your tea will taste better.

Your calendar will breathe.

And your team might finally become the team you keep wishing they were.

A better use of a spoon if you ask me.

Your coach,

Terez

PS: Sorry in advance: you’ll never stir tea normally again. You’ll just stand there, questioning all the circles in your life, moving your spoon left-right, up-down like a leader-gone-wild. You’re welcome.

P.P.S. I have one more spot available for my 1:1 executive coaching programme in Feb. Want to do some anti-circles together and get some real upleveling in your leadership? Email me. Or book a Chemistry Call here.

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